I’m afraid. Who isn’t? This world has a lot of things that makes unstable live with my heart. Yet, this past year has been anything BUT stable. Foundation of 11 years broken and my heart of what i once knew….hollow. The picture above is a beautiful rendition of how I feel my heart looks with the Creator of the Universe being the one holding the tweezers. What does all this mean to my future? One absolute that has been apparent lately….THERE IS HOPE in the rebuilding of the Father.
This journey isn’t for the faint of heart. In fact, I’m gonna say it boldly…..you’re a FOOL if you think that rebuilding your life from a long-term conditioning you’ve lived will be EASY! Like the terminology there? 🙂 This is a prelude to my 3rd book I’m attempting to do; discussing the conditioning we has humans live by once we obtain a comfortable pattern to live by. For the past 11 years plus, I was being slowly conditioned to a way of life with my then wife. The way our courtship took place all the way to the break up; our relationship was a mutual conditioning of each other into a workable mold we made up. Her background of life, and my background of life emerged into one life together and either it’ll work sacrificially, or like it ended up, it will fall apart and the individualities will fall into a void of “What the hell just happened to our lives?”
You wake up different. You feel different. You ARE different. Why? Because now the unknown, not-understood void now lingers within your soul and you have to refind your foundation for existence. The silence within the walls of your home is deafening enough; but now you have the same silence within that seems prison-like. Your once longevity of comfort is now gone and the you that you once knew, changed forever. But let me tell you this, that’s the BEST part of this journey. When we allow our mistakes to define us, we are defined by sin’s imperfections. When we allow ourselves to be lost after a devastation, that’s the moment we can really allow God to REBUILD from scratch His way….if we let Him.
Why sometimes is that so hard to comprehend? When are hearts hurt so badly we cry out for help; yet when the dust settles and life seems manageable, we tend to forget His work in our lives is CONSTANT. Now let me make sure I’m clear on this….I am speaking from experience on the side of “Where are you God?” in all the pain. Why did the marriage that was meant to be forever be conditional and severed? What happened that could have been preventable that I didn’t see…..that she didn’t see? What’s the point of investing all this time into a relationship and life only to have it end and have to start over? What’s God’s point in allowing these kinds of things to occur? Better yet, my biggest unanswered question had been; “Why wasn’t I good enough for forever and where did I miss the obedience boat?”
But now, I digress the time has past and it is indeed….THE PAST. Now the destroyed foundation has been removed and all that lays in the hole that once was my life is the laying of re bar which represents the rejuvenating foundation of the word of God. The concrete that is being laid little-by-little by the loving hands of our Creator. I do not know what type of foundation He is desiring to lay; its shape, its depth or even its designed purpose. All I know as its happening is that I am afraid. I am afraid of what I may do this His perfect design for me. His repairs to my structure and most of all, who I truly am anymore for Him in this world. However the fear that lies within does not make me want to run, it makes me pray earnestly to BE STILL.
Acceptance of change is a hard thing when its unexpected. For me, starting over again and allowing the rebuilding to occur meant a lot of forgiveness was needed for healing to take full effect. The worst part of the healing is the actual LETTING GO. Everyone, no matter who they are, struggle with letting go of past hurt, disappointment or anything emotionally that has scarred you. We feel like if we allow ourselves to hold onto this pain or past that we may have power over its re-occurrences; which in my case is a divorce. The re-occurrences happen for me every other weekend when I have to see her when picking up my daughter. In situations like divorce, unfortunately the reminder of your mistakes get shown to you often due to the linger emotions that delay real healing in most situations. This again, as mentioned before is also a version of your conditioning from the relationship. Have you ever heard someone, particularly your spouse, tell you how different you act around your family or friends? That is also due to your relational conditioning you’ve invested in with those people for most likely….years.
So how do you give yourself permission to move on? How do you know when you’re heart is ready to embrace someone again? To feel free from the baggage of the conditioning that changed you and harbors your mistakes from grace? Can you allow your heart to love again? Can your children, if you have any, accept someone else in your life to love that’s not their parent? These are all difficult circumstances that brokenness has caused and only the hands of God can rebuild. One thing is for certain that cannot be altered and that’s the grace of God and how beautiful His rebuilding projects are.
With all this awesome hope that Jesus gives us when we accept Him into our lives; why are we still so afraid to trust? Why are we so afraid to live this new journey in His massive, protective arms and just LET GO? Why are we so afraid of approval from others when His approval is all we need? As I have been in a roller coaster of interests since our divorce in February I kept asking myself what am I trying to fulfill? Every weird emotion, every new conversation, every new name, every failed attempt to fill this void that I refused to accept that God needed to fill instead of me. What’s the point of being completely broken from devastation only to try and keep rebuilding yourself back with what you don’t have anymore? We are in denial from trauma especially emotionally, and almost get in panic mode when we don’t know where to turn. You lose something when trauma occurs. Accept it. You’re not the same anymore and you have to start new! So if you have another chance to be whomever and whatever you wanna be, no matter what your age, why not be EXCITED about it!?
Let’s just say it like it needs to be said….IT’S TIME TO:
Deep breath…..relax those muscles and take a moment to go look into the mirror at yourself. What do you see? Is that the person whom you knew 5 years ago? 1 year ago? Last month even?? No. The person to whom you see is a shell that God is lovingly filling. But guess what? You have the power to accept this change. To hit the RESET button on your life. Whatever you hang ups were in your previous relationship(s); disappointments in your personal life, career, hobbies, etc. You have a chance to let God do His thing in your life and appreciate the goodness He’s ALWAYS wanted for you! Oh….I know why you FEEL that you cannot hit the button yet….that’s right, what we’ve mentioned again early and its even in the title: FEAR.
So, how do we need to deal with it? How can we move beyond the scars of the past and embrace Christ’s hope for our future? How can we make everyone happy in our lives AND ourselves; and they know, as do we, our worse secrets and mistakes!? What I have fell into learning again is one of my favorite scriptures that has been a deep theme for me. How do we find out to love forever someone when you feel broken? Well, you have to dig deep beyond yourselves and how you’ve been conditioned on earth and see where the foundation of LOVE lies……in the heart of Jesus.
Focus on the scripture above,1 John 4:18-20 and the focal words ACTION. The first line is factual and a punch in our insecure faces…..THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE. If we have loved with any fear at all in our relationships, then it isn’t LOVE. So if there’s fear in love and it isn’t love, then what is? How can I, you the reader, or anyone that’s been destroyed or broken find LOVE again? The next line….”BUT PERFECT LOVE DRIVES OUT FEAR…” Perfect love, drives out fear….how does it drive it out? Does it load them up in a dump truck and drive them off somewhere?? What is perfect love? Can we ever experience such a love that we can replicate it to others? The answer is NO we can’t….BUT, what we can do is strive beyond our previous limits to embrace what that love is. Only then can any replication of that type of love be even remotely shown to someone else in a relationship.
“BUT FEAR HAS TO DO WITH PUNISHMENT.” Punishment is what we don’t need anymore! We’ve put ourselves through enough and allowed others to put us through more than they should have ever been allowed to do! Wait a minute….yes you heard me right…..WE allowed others to do it to us. Why? I didn’t make this happen…..didn’t make he/she say those things, do those things to me….BUT focus on the scripture line again….”FEAR….has to do with punishment.” When we fear in anything that overwhelms our lives or conditions us to lessen our faith in Christ, then we are being punished by a world of sin that ISN’T OUR MASTER! Christ died for us to be SAVED. Accept the saving love and grace and don’t allow others to define who you are IN CHRIST!
This complements the next line of focus, “THE ONE WHO FEARS IS NOT MADE PERFECT IN LOVE.” Think about that….when we fear, we take away God’s redeeming and controlling power over our thoughts and our actions leaving the trauma we face or the brokenness we’ve endured to rule our hearts….blinding us to who we are. To be made perfect in love is to be IN LOVE with the foundation of LOVE. Its not a perfect life of being this way; but its got to be a lifelong effort to TRY to be. Fear will try and convince you that you need to take more time and think more about other things other than Christ to get your lives back on track or to fill your voids with more fictitious crap that isn’t Him! Just trust that God has a plan and its to rebuild you and make you NEW again!
Finally it comes down to verse 20, “WE LOVE, BECAUSE HE FIRST LOVED US.” We can love someone forever when we learn to accept, learn and understand to reciprocate the love first shown to us. I didn’t love my ex-wife like Christ loved me….or her. I accept that and realize that I was too afraid to think for myself and learn to love Jesus for ME instead of for others to make them happy or “fit in”. We had a decent 11 years and the demons of unresolved sins in our lives slowly tore us apart. I cannot account for her, but for me it was I just didn’t know Him enough to see the value in Him being the in all things LORD OF MY LIFE. My priorities were all wrong and my life reflected that. I knew I was unhappy and I knew I was scared to be someone I wasn’t. I wanted and still do want to serve the Lord and make a difference in this dying world. I have to do it for me though….not anyone else to appreciate the depth of what I can give in His love to others and prayerfully to who He chooses me to live the rest of my days with.
I keep saying I desire to feel validated as a man and someone who is loved beyond my brokenness, imperfections and scars I bare; however all that is obtainable and offered freely by my Lord to whom I need more valuable time with. I’m not afraid to love anymore with a love that only He can give me to share. I know that even though I’m not at a level of my relationship to Christ others might FEEL I need to be; I am at a level that is for ME and that’s more of a beginning than I feel I’ve ever had and could admit. Slowly and for sure I will be the best man for Christ again. Recently God has shown me a glimpse of what I could have in happiness again and for the first time I feel patient enough to work for it in HIS time and not mine. Prayerfully this special person to whom He reconnected me with will feel the same value within herself to know she isn’t who she was conditioned to be before either. Only God knows my future and I’m ready to sit back and enjoy the ride. My daughter will see a father to whom is happy again and can raise her with confidence and love even if its not perfect to others. My happiness and contentment has to come first if my cup can fill with even a portion of His perfect love to give to her or a special loved one and kids.
Yeah, there is still a fear in rebuilding as in with any major changes….but let me say that whoever gets to be with this guy for my days ahead is gonna get a loving Father too that hopefully will show them the value and love they need as well to drive out that fear. Embrace the hope in a future that He is King of and you can be conditioned from scratch with if you’d let Him! You are NOT who you’ve known yourself to be anymore….you ARE a child of the forgiving, LOVING, grace-giving and new beginning one true King! 🙂