Where do I even start?….it’s been almost a year now since we’ve spoke last. Wish I could remember all the details that even made our relationship mute for this long. I’m sure as it always is, our disagreement was probably stupid in nature and a waste of exertion; yet here we are still not speaking. You might be thinking to yourself, “If you hate us not talking so bad, why don’t you just apologize and talk again….” It’s not that easy this time.
We’ve fought a lot over our lives and I tend to think that since we are both stubborn and passionate people that that is the reason why we are at this point. However, as I have grown in my walk with the Lord, I feel my boundary to my heart needed to be strengthened. Since my Chrysalis walk in 1993, you know how much I’ve wanted you to experience a relationship with Jesus Christ as I have since. Yet, for whatever reason, there has never been any heart penetration of Jesus into your life from my walk.
You’ve been through a lot mom….I know this, you express this; yet for all these years we haven’t been able to get beyond the bitterness you feel. I say you feel mom because I have no bitterness. I have forgiven you for any thing past and present. Though my heart is sad without you in it, I also know that I am not mad or bitter towards you for anything.
I wish I understood why your bitterness has grown so deep. Our times together seemed to be growing, positively in the direction that could possibly have last. Why did my accomplishment in writing of poetry about how God has brought me through things in life, had to have made you so upset? I know that you say that I am lying in those words, but if you only read the whole picture mom, you’d see that I have learned a lot from our experiences. But instead you assumed the worst. You belittled my talents, and made light of the fact that I was doing that work, in hopes to make you proud.
What hurts my heart the most, is that is not even the main reason that I felt that I had to bring closure to our relationship for a time. It was the fact that you spoke so negatively about people that I love, no matter what your experience with them was! That was my opinion, my feelings, my heart; NOT YOURS! Choosing to love them as well as you, doesn’t make them more important than you, it just makes me share the love for them just as much as I would anybody. Tom has been dead over 7 years, was my step dad for at least 10 years of my life, I had a right to write a poem about how he made me feel, and how much I would miss him! And Uncle Bob?? I hardly ever see the man, and you spoke of him like he was the plague! Which leaves me to conclude about this; there will never be nothing that you say that will ever make me love them or dislike them any less….period.
So here we are at almost a year….Thanksgiving already past and Christmas a few days ahead….I miss my mom….not the bitter one who hates so much; but the mom who has loved me even though I’ve failed. Who has supported me when I’ve needed her and shown a fun and playful personality that is so much fun to be around. I miss the mom that spoke so deeply about family traditions, not this one who has wrote us off over such stupid things.
It’s quite sad that I can hear your voice in my head spouting off the sarcasm of defensiveness that you’d likely make upon knowing my feelings. No I’m sorry….so I was wrong….not even a I miss you. That’s what makes this reality even tougher….to know my wishes for us can’t happen by my doing. I have laid you at His feet mom….His unconditional and forgiving feet….why won’t you accept Him too??
He, like I, want to just be able to love you without condition or without doubt. Until He sees fit….we’ll continue to wait and pray…..wait and pray….for your heart to embrace His. Maybe then we can love together the greatest example of love to others….It’s up to His will for us….not ours.
Love Always Your Son,