My breaking point has hit. My emotions are darn near numb. And frankly I don’t have much fight left in me at this point. All that I’ve done in my life has been out of love and whatever way it’s been expressed. I have had a ton of mistakes that I’ve made. I’ve lost many relationships, friends, jobs, all the like. For once in my life I feel like I have a voice that’s worth being listened to, and in just a mere less than two weeks I have felt more pain in my heart that I have in months. I am constantly weak, I am physically and emotionally tired, and spiritually….I’ve grown, yet I’m extremely frustrated.
I now more than ever know what it feels like to be in the shoes of people like Peter, Paul, David, John, and even leaders after them. To have someone love Jesus, and be still a struggling Center in this world, makes you the greatest and most intractable target to anyone around you. “This guy here claims to have the Son of man on his side, let’s take and make him feel like crap so we don’t have to worry about ours!” “How dare this man that claims to love Jesus, struggle and sin with such great things? Shouldn’t he be perfect? Or at least close to it??”
I already abused myself, I feel way less than worthy, and completely understand why I can’t have a church of my own. But to constantly hear, and be seen as not able to handle doing such work in a church? I get the picture, and you don’t have to say it to me anymore. I hear the whispers, I see the looks, I noticed the avoidances, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that I am an uncomfortable person to be around.
Because the way that I respond and act around ladies, I’ve made plenty of people upset, uncomfortable and I understand that. I also understand that understanding who I am as a person is a lot harder to do then to be my friend. I guess I really do need to take some advice at some point and get help, but if God is the help I’ve been seeking and nothing has happened thus far, who really is going to be able to help me….an equally sinful man? Someone that’s not any better than I am? Don’t get me wrong its not that I’m saying that egotistically, but I already know what I need to do, have been working very hard to do it, but obviously from everyone’s reactions lately, I’m nowhere near it yet.
So I am done. Done with the drama. Done with the judgment. Done with the crassness. Done with feeling like I am NOT worth a pot to piss in. So for all of you that do actually still read this blog or actually come across this blog since I’m not publicly posting it, all those pictures that I am showing on this blog is how I feel. No more, no less.
I don’t care if you find them inappropriate, or vulgar, or gross, or sexist, whatever! This blog in general, is for me to tell you, whoever the reader is, that I’m checking out personally and socially….for a while. So with that proclamation….here’s to ya!
Psalms 12:3 NLT
May the lord cut off their flattering lips and silence their boastful tongues.
Psalms 31:18 NLT
Silence their lying lips— those proud and arrogant lips that accuse the godly.
Psalms 94:17 NLT
Unless the lord had helped me, I would soon have settled in the silence of the grave.
Psalms 143:12 NLT
In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies and destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.