God’s Will or Freedom’s ILL?


It started out like any other day.  Where I was driving down the road enjoying my day when I just got captivated by the beautiful sunshine above me.  As I gazed into the Sun, trying not to get the spots upon my eyes, I felt myself just drifting into a stare. 

Where was I going exactly?  Did I even know at that moment?  Not where I was driving to, but where my life was leading me?  Ever pondered that thought?   I’ve been working many different types of jobs since I was 15 years old and now being 38, I feel a clearer vision of what my heart is leading me towards.  But…why am I not there yet?

I’ve already come to terms with my job at Terminix and am content with serving the Lord where I am and how I am….until He calls me elsewhere.  Which brings about an age old question:  How do we know when it’s right to transition on?  What is God’s will and what is my freedom’s ill? 

Freedom’s ill being defined as my sinful condition of selfishness making what I WANT the most dominate over what God NEEDS from me!

I want to be full-time in ministry again for many reasons; but the biggest reason is having full time with God in His word and more time with my family.  Is that desire wrong to have?  The longer i dwell in the world as my career roots, the more I feel it’s poison seeping up into my being!


Our selfishness as humans blur the clarity of God’s desire for our lives.  Why do I want this so bad?  Is it the Holy Spirit,  or is it for selfish ego boosting?  I know I am at my greatest peace when I am in His word, doing His work for His people.   I KNOW that I can do all these without having to be in His church. But I desire to be around His work 24/7 not just whenever there’s time.

God’s word tells this that if we knock the door will be answered and we seek we can find…I want to be able to seek and find your will Lord!!

Matthew 7:7-8 NLT

“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Jeremiah tells us,

“Pray that the lord your God will show us what to do and where to go.” Jeremiah 42:3 NLT

So am I just not praying enough? Am I seeking not deep enough? What chiseling do I still need to experience in my life Lord? I’m confident that none of the things I’ve been through have been a mistake. None of the paths that I’ve chosen to walk though, many with potholes that could swallow me up, have I not meant to travel down. I do not desire my free will’s ills Lord, just desire you!!

The tingles and the chills that my body feels when I do the things that you wish; makes me fall into the temptations Father of whether or not this is just another covenant’s lisp.  In layman’s terms I’d wish to say that this is a feeling Father that you won’t let go away. I want this to be more than just my self esteem’s lift; I want it to be a non-returned deposit of a servant’s faith-lift.


So I continue to wait patiently and open to your guidance.   I wish sometimes it was easy to know which direction you want me to go.  Until the clarity is seen by these human eyes, I will press on in a servant’s stride.  I love you Lord with all that I am, please hear my heart and know it seeks your will.  Protect me please from the decay of my free will’s ills!


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