I give up.
I don’t know what to do anymore, nor do I understand the “why”! I thought it would be somewhat easy being the only Jesus she may ever see; however I’m going to have to pray continually for the real Jesus to please stand up! I have felt bitterness and anger before. I have heard belittlement, cussing, confusion and even a hint of sarcasm all on the shoulders of negativity; pour out of the lips of a mere 5’2″ woman.
Since I was 16 I began praying for the same life giving peace and freedom to be given as a gift to her. It seemed though as our lives continued to progress, her life continued to rocky torment of let down after let down of what real love is. Glimpses of hope was all I had as our relationship showed signs of deeper meaning and trust. Satan though had different ideas.
All I wanted to do, through all the scars and pain we caused one another was to be a bit of Jesus she may have never been able to see elsewhere. However our human flesh rose at times more than I wanted it too, leaving us fighting once again per stupid petty things….mainly of the PAST.
During conflicts I still told her I love her and I’m sorry; however I pretty sure those words were not heard through her wall of defense. I do love her….more than she’ll ever know or understand; but I know the power Satan has over her heart is more than I can bare or attempt to heal. I’m still human, even if a follower of Christ, the slaps to my cheek each time I turn, still stings.
It wasn’t until this last expression of pain between us that I feel I’ve truly realized and begin to understand intimately Jesus’ words:
“Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (Matthew 10:34-39 ESV)
Her salvation isn’t up to me. I cannot try anymore to SAVE her. She’s always been a grown woman with a mind and heart of her own. As much as I truly love her, against what she believes, I want to spend eternity with her. I WANT to see her experience a burden free spirit! I WANT her to know what it’s like to make a mistake and feel freedom from the pain and burden of it because JESUS loves her enough that He died for HER too! I WANT her to forgive and love like Christ….But I can’t save her. I can’t lead her that way. I can’t be her Jesus.
So I throw my hands up Lord….as you said above, I cannot love her more than you and I cannot find my life wrapped around her salvation over you. So with all my heart and soul through my dried up tears….
She is now ALL yours…..