“Christian” Hedonism

“Christian” Hedonism
I remember feeling the pain of recognition.
Between each “thump” I clasp my chest moving my legs towards the front.
The small hairs on my knees felt the mesh between the fibers and my pores.
I felt…..the knock on my heart.

I felt happy even though I could not see.
I felt relieve though I could not see the change.
I felt hopeful even though I was surrounded by negativity.
I felt different, even though my skin and body looked the same.
I enjoyed the pleasure of Jesus Christ.

I felt the tingles as she walked the aisle towards me.
I felt the warmth of “love” when our lips sealed our oneness.
I felt the chills of her words of bitterness and despise.
I felt empty as what I thought of “us” was depleting with each month.
I felt nothing anymore as our “home” grew empty as each box left.

I felt lonely, numb and unrecognizable.
I felt the cold hard smoothness of the bottle as it stuck to my dry lips.
I felt my reflection staring back through me and it wasn’t who I was.
I felt who I was was what you made me; yet I felt ugly inside and out.

I felt my eyes hurt as an unforeseen light began to shine in my darkness.
I felt my jaw ache as it began to flex toward the north and not the south.
I felt the physical exertion of grace fill my soul as she showed your love.
I felt a sense of worth that had eluded me most of my life.

I have continue to feel this way as a whole for over 9 years now.

Today…..I feel hedonism.
Today…..I feel hedonism outside of what I am suppose to.
Today…..I feel hedonism in the knowledge.
Today…..I feel hedonism being your child.

However…..

Today…..I feel hedonism in not caring.
Today…..I feel hedonism in settling with less than your will.
Today…..I feel hedonism in making fun of people that annoy me.
Today…..I feel hedonism in looking lustfully when I feel like crap.

But…..

Today…..I feel hedonism in giving a helping hand.
Today…..I feel hedonism in smiling beyond my given emotions.
Today…..I feel hedonism in listening to Christian music and feeling “normal”.
Today…..I feel hedonism in being man enough to ask for forgiveness.

Sadly…..

“What shall we say then? Do we go on sinning so that grace may increase?”…..well, sometimes.
There is hedonism in RISK.

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”…..what if my cup is cracked?
There is hedonism in sarcastic relief.

“But among you there should not be even a HINT of sexual immorality…”….Hint hell! I’m surrounded by barely covered bodies!
There is hedonism in imaginatively observing.
Double-sided hedonism is killing God’s Disciples.

I feel tired Lord; give me purpose.
I feel frustrated Lord; give me perseverance.
I feel consumed by lust Lord; give me your eyes!
I feel ready…..ready to quit Lord… PLEASE GIVE ME HOPE IN MYSELF.

Love Always?

The “Christian” Hedonist

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