Lost & Conditioned Love

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It’s funny to me how life changes as we get older; yet unfortunately there are some desires for change that NEVER happen. Hello, my name is Chad Taylor, I’m 37 years old and I have a dysfunctional parental relationship. “Hello Chad!!”

For the better part of my life, my relationship with my mom, or lack there of at times; defined much of the drama in my life. I even hate to say that, yet the truth is, if there wasn’t any drama there wouldn’t be much to talk about or interactions made. Last night reminded me how much, as I’ve gotten older, I despise the drama at all and would rather evade it all together; even if that ended the relationship permanently.

This shouldn’t be how a mother/son relationship should be. Over time our relationship grew up and we began treating each other like we should. But every seasonal change (as in relationship change), whether it was her and a boyfriend, her and sis or whatever; things just got out of line emotionally with us even though I wasn’t directly involved.

One thing I’m glad The Lord changed in me over time and that was I have not been afraid anymore to admit my wrongness in a conversation, behavior or whatever towards mom. It’s never easy though, because usually the admittance of fault caused the elaborated torture of extenuated pouring of salt being ground into the open wound of humility. I’ve never claimed to be always right in an argument; history would show that it wouldn’t do any good anyway. I have felt that whatever level of healing occurs (if any) at one time, being humble and admitting your mistakes will eventually be appreciated by my Father in Heaven if not by my mother on earth.

Why was I born to be the son of a mother to whom I truly believe is a good woman and has a caring heart; yet empathy and humility evade her towards her adult children? To teach us growing up to remember “Honesty is always the best policy;” yet shows little to no signs of modeling it herself when she’s upset about something or someone?? Who would take and drop us off as kids to go to church, even though she wouldn’t go with us and in my life come to know Jesus Christ and then tell me one time out of anger that she didn’t want that “crap” in her house! 😥

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I don’t desire to spend my entire time blogging and complaining about my mother and I’s lack of a healthy relationship; I simply needed to express the heart break I feel about a prayer unanswered. To think of love as conditional is foreign to me; and to view a real intimate mother/son bond as lost has numbed my senses. Year after year after year; month after month, week after week, and day after day I find myself pondering the “WHY” to the unanswered questions that stem from a now-a-days discussion between us.

The most recent issue stemmed from again a discussion that crossed a boundary I had set with her (even though I don’t believe she respects them or listens to them) about talking negatively towards Dad or Sis. I can empathize her past wounds; I was not a perfect child or even nice to her at times; yet as an adult I have made many efforts to try. I feel as if when I try to empathize both sides of an issue and be an impartial person into the issue; she gets angry with me if I don’t automatically side with her since “I’m her son”. I stated I would not choose sides between she and my sister since there are always two sides to the stories and I was only there to listen and give advice if asked for.

Yet no matter what I do, I am a very evil, non-caring, spiteful, “just like your Dad” son who wishes the worst for her. If I don’t call or text her for awhile, I’ve written her off or don’t care anymore. Who cares if I work 70-80 hours a week and have a family or church life….and most importantly….I HAVE TO INITIATE THE CONTACT! When she does, I always call/text back as soon as I can. But that is few and far between! Come and visit her!? Sure thing, if I am by myself or can spare a day….it’s not that I don’t want to see her….it’s just making the time that satisfies her that makes it difficult. Why can I see my Dad more often at times?? He drives to meet me in Bloomington a lot when I’m there for work….and doesn’t care of its only for 20 minutes! How can one get that across that ANY time is better than no time at all! Am I or my family not worth coming to see instead of us having to go to her??

I want my mother to love me for the me I am today….not remember me for the 12 year old or younger child she has the worst memories of? Jesus Christ has forgiven all my sins and I have asked for her to forgive mine and accept me for me….I love her deeply, I really do, but how can I “honor thy father and thy mother” when there is no honor to see?

If she or anyone else in my family reads this, please don’t judge me. I want our relationship to heal and be healthy, but I don’t want to feel like a target anymore when there should be no ammo shot towards me. Please God, please heal us both….

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