Forgive me….for I don’t know where this is going.
It is safe to say that I am tired.
It is safe to say that I am angry.
It is safe to say that I feel lost.
It is even safe to say that life for me is frustrating!
What I’m not sure it is right now is peaceful, safe, happy, or the model of spiritual contentment. My life, when I am honest and take a step back, is….?
I woke up this morning and felt an overwhelming sorrow in my gut; a deep ache in my heart due to it being below “E”. Besides the awesome time I has with my daughter last night, I have been just getting by. Have you ever felt that way often?
Don’t misread me please….if you felt intrigued to read this blog of mine today; it is not meant for you to feel sorry for me. That would play right into Satan’s plan; however I ask that if you feel anything from this that you look to The Lord for the answers of what to take from it….individually or even for me specifically.
I feel sorry for my wife having to put up with me for so long. Coming off so much as having it together and happy when the long list of my faults and imperfections haunt my life daily….sometimes hourly.
Almost 9 years in and I have reflected anything but the Godly man she prayed for when she was growing up. Yet through it all; she has loved me through it. Even the times when others were more intriguing than her. I WANT to feel better about myself. I WANT to feel happy with what I’m doing with my life. I WANT to be the disciple for Jesus that scripture directs me to be; not the titled “Christian” or even “Pastor”, but the leaving it ALL disciple to follow Him!
What do I need to do? To stop FEELING this way? Lately I’m so negative and complaining either silently or outwardly. I see people out that we’re suppose to love and I even PREACH about loving and the first thoughts are always the worldly negatives!! And at home….things aren’t done, promises are kept and behaviors towards me are non-flattering…..I hate it!!
I am in a pressure cooker.
The heat is too much.
I am trapped in my own misery.
I want to blow.
I can’t express verbally how I feel without getting cut off or told I’m assuming, judging, misguided, or even WRONG for how I feel! How the hell do you know how I feel when even I don’t know!!!??? Speaking verbally outwardly is one way to try and figure my feelings out; and if I can’t even voice it to those I love without this kind of reaction….I’m best to stay closed off!
Yet….that’s what scares me….for when that happens, I get deeper in my lostness. I begin to think less about others and more about the here and now self. The person to whom Satan LOVES….and even I do…for a moment. After that moment is over, I’d rather cry or die.
I want my house to look like a home, and be a home I’m proud of.
I want my goals to be met and not put on hold due to lack of motivational mutualism from my family.
I want to have a nest of security to reflect all the hard work and hours I keep putting in and not watch it get spent away frivolously!
I want…..to feel….appreciated and valued and intelligent enough to have a respected voice in my own family.
If I could quit my job and be in full time discipleship with The Lord I would do it in a heart beat! Yet I am a servant to the role I am in until things change. My honest pondering had been though; will it ever change or will our impulsive, wreck less and lazy sin we do (we as in my family and I), have us faithlessly trapped in our own excuses and whines!?
My last heartache….the hardest heartache of them all….I desperately desire to have PURITY in my eyes and heart towards women…..please know that I am leaving it all out there by writing this to anyone who reads it. I am not a pervert, I am not a sexual predator, I am not even a sexual addict. I am a man who has longed for validation in my life of worth and unfortunately; I have made a pattern of view towards beautiful women where validation is more important than their Godly qualities…at first impression.
This means, I notice the butt, breasts, legs, lips, eyes, smile, etc….before you even open your mouth and if that’s good…then that’s just a mere bonus! This is my curse that I DO NOT WANT. As a leader for Christ, I want to see how He sees….yet it has grown harder and harder when I feel this way to see that.
Approaching a pretty woman with just a smile would just about make me cry instead of my current, “Wow….she’s gorgeous…” And then the mind screwing begins! (Figure of speech)
Everytime I see a pretty woman in revealing attire that shows any thing that only the imagination should entertain….I wanna scream at them to give us guys a freakin break hormonally, not give us anything else physically!!!
I love my wife with all my heart and truly desire her more than I think she truly knows; however her letting herself go physically and me as well has not helped the desire for validation to cease! In fact, the worse she feels or acts outwardly, the more I want to stay away from her. I desire to flee the whines! I can’t handle my own; I can’t handle coming home from being gone all day and seeing 2-3 hours or less of my family only to have things requested of me that someone fit could just jump up and get it! Yet, it’s not that I don’t want to help or don’t want to show love…it’s just I’m empty. 😦
I feel so alone. The “friends” I once had faithfully are gone; too busy with their own lives to give a little to this over-analysing, excuse making, out-of-shape feeling sorry for myself fat guy! I want so bad to have someone to vent to (so its not on here), converse with about life’s challenges and be challenged spiritually to do better and have someone THERE to keep me accountable!
*Sigh* This is not what I thought would spill out in this blog…but I’m tired of feeling “feeling-less” to change. I love my family and believe me, I should NOT be blessed to have them! I just want us to be in love more and quit…(sorry)… bitching about whose right and whose wrong; whose got more on their plate and who doesn’t.
Whoever reads this, I’m sorry. If I cannot be raw and real to a live person, this is my being faithful and just leaving it all out there. I’m not afraid of what you might think reading this; just know I am being as real as I can hurting as much as I do. If I’m judged for this blog, so be it. If I’m de-friended for this, so be it. If God uses it for His glory somehow….I am all for it.
Being pressure cooked is no fun and I want to blow….but more than anything, I just want the temperature to turn down and get me outta here!